the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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