i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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