Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger