there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The Olympian is in my bed
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT