Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
