Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
