i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
