when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
