Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
