I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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