I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
