you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
