i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
