Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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