walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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