Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
false alarm, still single
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