He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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