a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
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searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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