I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
