She said her name was "party"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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