I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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