what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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