Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
