So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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