sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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