I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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