his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i need some magic done to my vagina
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
