the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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