If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
