I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
