I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
