I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
