my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
