i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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