It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
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Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
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He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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