I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
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Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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