Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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