After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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