I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
