Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
