Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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