got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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