look no pants
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
