This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
