Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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