Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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