You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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