Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
