i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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