i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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