Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
