tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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