i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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