You just made me feel so damn special
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
