I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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