yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
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Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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